Laugh It Off!

 

Always remember – you’re unique, like everyone else.

.

Scientists say that one in four people are mad.

Check three friends – if they’re OK, then you know!
 

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up in the dictionary!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."

.
The European Union Commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as "EuroEnglish" (Euro for short).
.
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
.
There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.
.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by "v" .
.
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
 

For years the famous sea captain guided merchant ships all over the world and never did stormy seas or pirates get the better of him. Indeed, he was admired by his crew and fellow captains alike.

.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Each morning he went through a strange ritual, when he would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe, from which he would take a piece of paper.  He would stare at this for a minute, then he would return it to the safe and go about his daily duties.

.

For years this went on, and, unsurprisingly, his crew became increasingly curious. Was it a treasure map? A letter from a long-lost love? Whatever could it be?

.

One day the captain died at sea, and, after laying his body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters and opened the safe. There were just four words written on the paper, which he read aloud:

.

“Port – left ; Starboard – right”.

 
Doctor: “I haven’t seen you for quite a while.”

Patient: “No, doctor, I’ve not been very well.”

 

Patient: “I keep losing my memory, doctor.”

Doctor: “How long have you been like this?”

Patient: “Like what?”

 

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I’m invisible!

Doctor: Who said that?

 

A chap with hearing problems had pig’s ears grafted in place of his own.

 “Do the ears work alright?” asked his mate.

 “Yeah,” came the reply, “ there’s just a little crackling!”