The Parish Priest was about to be transferred and the regular parishioners had gathered at a party in his honour.

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"We'll really miss you," said one little old lady. "No matter who we get as a replacement, he will never be as good as you."

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The priest was flattered, but he assured her that his successor would be an adequate and caring pastor.

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"No, no," the old woman insisted, "it's always the same. We've had five Parish Priests here in my time and I can assure you that each one has been worse than the one before!"

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The not-too-successful curate was asked by the Archbishop why he had entered the priesthood.
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"I was called," he replied.
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"Are you sure," pondered the Archbishop, "it wasn't some other noise you heard?"
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The protestant minister met his friend, the priest, and told him that the previous night he had dreamed about a Catholic heaven.
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"It looked like a nice place," said the vicar with a smile. "There were plenty of pubs, loud music and people dancing about," he said.
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"That's funny," said the priest. "Last night I dreamed about a Protestant heaven. That also looked nice, with lots of flower beds, pretty trees and gardens."
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"And what were the people doing?" asked the vicar.
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"Which people?" replied the priest.
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"Forgive me Father, but I have had an obsession about stealing wood from the timber mill where I work. I have suffered with the problem for years. What shall I do?"
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"That's alright my son," said the priest. "But because this has gone on so long I must ask you to make a novena."
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"If you have the plans Father, I have the timber."
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The dishevelled-looking chap happened to call at the presbytery looking for a hand-out.
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"I want to ask you one question," said the priest when he had heard the man's hard-luck story. "Do you take alcoholic drink?"
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"Before I answer that," said the man. "Would that be an enquiry or an invitation?"
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"I don't like the look of the new missionary," said the cannibal to his friend.
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"That's alright," said the other, "just eat the potatoes."
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Saturday night is confession night, but Father O'Riley stopped Pat as he was entering the church.
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"Pat, the church is full," said the priest. "Surely you don't need to confess tonight!. You haven't committed a murder since last time have you?"
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"Indeed I have not!" said Pat and turned to leave.
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On the way down the street, he met Shamus who was on his way to church.
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"Go home, Shamus, you're wasting your time," he told him. "They're only hearing murders tonight!"
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There was a knock on the door and Mick found himself being asked to become a Jehova's Witness.
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"I didn't even see the accident!" he said as he shut the door.
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An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
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A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.
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The bartender looks up and says, 'What is this, a joke?'

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After church the little boy was in the foyer of the church looking at a tablet of names of prominent people. He asked his Mother "Mum, what is this list of people for?" She replies, "Son, that's a list of names of people that died in service." And the little boy asked, "Was that at the 8:30 service or the 10:30 service?"

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A burglar found a prime neighbourhood with nice houses and watches a particular house for several days before deciding that it would be safe to hit. It was pitch black inside as he made his way through the kitchen, then the dining room and into the lounge where he expected to find the things he wanted to steal.

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"I see you and Jesus can see you," a voice said.

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The burglar froze in his tracks. Then he heard it again, "I see you and Jesus can see you."
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When nothing more happened, the burglar took out his flashlight and shone it in the direction of the voice. All he saw was a parrot on its perch.  "I see you and Jesus can see you," the parrot said.

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The burglar laughed. "Just a stupid bird," he said with relief.

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The parrot nodded and responded, "Yes, I am just a stupid parrot. Jesus is the Doberman Pinscher in the corner!"

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Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life. The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in Liverpool. St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward. St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Wigan. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward. Father Malley says, “Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a man of the cloth, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?” St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!
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Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself.  "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter. 
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The first chap says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man." 
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The second chap says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children's lives."
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The third replies. "I would like to hear them say.... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
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Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God the Father was tired of hearing all the bickering.
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Finally, God the Father said, "Right! I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job!"
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So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
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They moused.
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They did spreadsheets.
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They wrote reports.
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They sent faxes.
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They sent e-mail.
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They sent out e-mail with attachments.
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They downloaded.
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They did some genealogy reports.
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They made cards.
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They did every known job. But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
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Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known to man.
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Jesus just sighed.
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The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted computers.
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Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
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Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past 2 hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate.
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"Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
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The Father shrugged and said, "Will you never learn - Jesus Saves!"
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PARISH NOTICE BLUNDERS:

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Tonight's sermon: "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Don't let worry kill you off--Let the church help.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
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And Abraham said unto Isaac, "Come with me, my son, and we will upgrade my computer."
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And Isaac said unto Abraham, "O my father, whence shall we upgrade it?"
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And Abraham said unto Isaac, "My son, we shall upgrade it unto Windows XP."
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And Isaac said unto Abraham, "O my father, this is surely too great a task for us to embark upon, for your computer lacketh the resources for so lofty an upgrade. Its processor is barely capable; its hard disk is far smaller than optimum, and its memory is sorely lacking even the minimum required."
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And Abraham said unto Isaac, "yet even so my son we shall make the attempt."
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And Isaac said unto Abraham, "Yea, but we are here in the wilderness, far from any computer fairs and also dabs.com. Where shall we find the hardware that we need?"
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And Abraham said unto Isaac, "Fear not, my son, for God will provide the RAM."
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There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of travelling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
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One time she was sitting next to a man, who, when he saw her pull out her Bible, gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After a while he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
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The lady replied, "Of course I do; it is the Bible."
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He said, "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
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She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that; it is in the Bible."
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He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
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The lady said, "Well I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."
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"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
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"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.
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The story is told of the atheist who accosted a priest, asking: "Do you believe in eternal life?" Giving the priest no time to reply, the atheist added: "It's a load of rubbish! I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" He continues his assault against the priest repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! It's all pie in the sky! When you die... When I die . . . that's it! The end! No eternal life! No nothing!" He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"
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"Well thank God for that!" replied the priest!
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Good King Wenceleslas went out to the pizza parlour and ordered a pizza. The assistant asked: "Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?"
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After a very long and boring sermon the congregation filed out of the church saying nothing to the parish priest. However, towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Father, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The priest was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why?" "Well," said the parishioner " - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever."
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A new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
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The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
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The new priest tries it.
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The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
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The new priest says those things, trying them out.
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The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and swearing and saying, 'What happened next?'"
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A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark Chapter 17."
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The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark: 17.
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Every hand went up.
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The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
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There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland , Antonio was born in Italy.
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Faithfully they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior year in High School. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had amazed everyone, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Roman Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.
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In time the Pope did die and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen. The Roman Catholic, Protestant and secular audiences were surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!
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Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because even with all Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew that he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"
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After a long silence an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church around the world being called 'Pope Secola.'"
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A kindergarten teacher was observing her class of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
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The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
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The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
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Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, "Well, they will in a minute!"
 
Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their priest to stand with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The priest lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note. Then he died. The priest thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
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After the funeral, the priest realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died.
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He said to the family, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
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He opened the note and read aloud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
 
Muldoon, the farmer, lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog of many years. Eventually, his dog died of old age. Muldoon went to the parish priest.
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"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
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Father Patrick replied, "Muldoon, I'm sorry to hear of your dog's death, but we can't be holding services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, and maybe they would do something for the animal."
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Muldoon said, "Thank you, Father. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
,
The Father quickly responded, "Son! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
 
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on, so He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. When the angel returned, he told God: "Yes, it is bad on earth - 95% are bad and only 5% good."
.
God decided He would send a letter to the 5% that were good to try to encourage them - something to help them keep going. Do you know what that letter said?
.
Oh, so you didn't get one either?
 
A man was pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. He couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.
.
"God? Are You there?" he asked.
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"Yes. What is it, my son?" God answered.
.
"Mind if I ask a few questions?" the man asked.
..
"Go ahead, my son, anything."
.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
.
God answered, "A million years to me is only a second."
.
The man asked, "God, what is a million pounds worth to you?"
.
God replied, "A million pounds to me is worth only a penny."
.
The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. "God, can I have a penny?"
.
God answered, "Just wait a second."
 
A nun was sitting at a window in her convent one day when she was handed a letter from home. Upon opening it a £20 note dropped out.
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She was most pleased at receiving the gift from her family, but as she read the letter, her attention was distracted by the actions of a worried-looking, shabbily-dressed stranger who was leaning against a post in front of the convent.
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She couldn't get him off her mind and, thinking that he might be in difficulty, she took the £20 note and wrapped it in a piece of paper, on which she had written, "Fear not, Sister Monica," and threw it out of the window to him. He picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.
.
The next day she was in her cell saying her prayers when she was told that some man was at the door who insisted on seeing her.
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She went down and found the shabbily-dressed stranger waiting for her. Without saying a word he handed her a wad of notes. When she asked what they were for he replied, "That's the £420 you have coming. Fear Not came in at 20 to 1."
.

The following are said to have been written by pupils in religious examinations:

Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

When Mary was told she was to be the Mother of God, she sang the Magna Carta.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony.