Beginning with teachers & school . . .

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Teacher: Johnny, find Australia on the map for me.
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Johnny: There it is, sir.

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Teacher: Now, Susie, who discovered Australia?

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Susie: Johnny did, sir.

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Teacher: If there are five flies on this desk and I hit one with the ruler, how many will there be left?

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Johnny: Just the squashed one, sir.

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Hannah: Whatís the difference between wages and a salary, sir?

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Teacher: Well, if you get paid wages, you get paid every week, but if you get paid a salary, you get paid every month. For example, I get a salary and Iím paid every month.

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Hannah: Really? Where do you work, sir?

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Teacher: Johnny, what is the opposite of misery?

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Johnny: Happiness, sir.

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Teacher: Good. And what is the opposite of sadness?

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Johnny: Gladness.

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Teacher: Excellent. And what is the opposite of woe?

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Johnny: Gee up.

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Teacher: Alan, give me a sentence starting with ĎIí.

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Alan: I is Ė

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Teacher: No. You must always say ďI am . . .Ē

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Alan: O.K. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?

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Johnny: I didnít even know it was ill.

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Teacher: Johnny, name two pronouns.

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Johnny: Who? Me?

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Teacher: If I had four apples in my right hand and five apples in my left hand, what have I got?

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Johnny: Awfully big hands, sir.

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Teacher: David, how can you prove that the world is round?

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David: I didnít say it was, sir.

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Rosie: Miss, I ainít got a pencil.

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Teacher: No, Rosie Ė I havenít got a pencil, you havenít got a pencil, he hasnít got a pencil, we havenít got a pencil, they havenít got a pencil.

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Rosie: Gosh, Miss, whatís happened to all the pencils?

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The exam question was to write an essay on water. One child wrote: "Water is a colourless liquid that turns dark when you wash your hands in it."
 
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the keyhole and see!
 
Q. Where does the king keep his armies?
A. Up his sleevies!
 
Doctor! Doctor! I feel like a bell!
Well, give me a ring if you get any worse!